Yet More Snape Vignettes!
by Sarah Noble
Summary: Deranged minds asked for them, deranged minds got them! Living proof that Snape can write a fanfiction, and Remus Lupin is after my blood.
1. Default Chapter

A SMALL DISCLAIMER  
  
(because I forgot to add one to the actual chapters until I'd already uploaded them!)  
  
Persons attempting to find actual content in these storeis will be fined, Persons attempting to find a moral within them will be persecuted, Perosns attemmpting to find a plot will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR  
  
(Thank you Mark Twain!)  
  
  
  
Harry Potter, Snape and all other party people are property of a higher power than I, the Almighty J.K. If you think I made them up, you deserve to read nothing but My Little Pony slash fiction all day long.  
  
Fan fiction is dumb. Don't read it. 


	2. Chicks Dig Him!

Severus Snape Bumps Off Remus Lupin to Become the Most Beloved Harry Potter Character  
  
It was a particularly warm day in May, as Remus Lupin crossed the courtyard of Hogwarts, rounded the corner and was flattened by an anvil.  
  
"Whoo HOOO!!" Snape yelled triumphantly, springing out from behind a corner. "Now I'M the most popular character! Chicks DIG ME! I'm not sure why." "Actually," Dumbledore said calmly as he approached from an outer corridor, "you're not even close. Next in line would be Ron."  
  
"Damn, really?" Snape asked in amazement. "I suppose I'll have to kill him too, then."  
  
"And then you'd have to kill Harry and Hermione."  
  
"Fine, whatever," Snape acquiesced grudgingly.  
  
"Followed by Fred and George, followed by Oliver Wood, and then followed by Sirius Black."  
  
"Dammit, how many people do I have to whack around here to get some respect?!" Snape shouted.  
  
Dumbledore gazed at him for some time, then cleared his throat. "You're fired, Snape," he said. 


	3. Truly Dreadful

Severus Snape Does Something Truly Dreadful To His Hair  
  
Snape strode onto the dias at the start of breakfast and sat down moodily, looking fixedly at the tablecloth. Professor MacGonagall gagged on her toast and stared openly at him.  
  
"Oh my holy LORD, what have you DONE to your HAIR?" she screamed in a shocked voice.  
  
Snape muttered blackly but did not raise his eyes.  
  
"Wow Severus, that's...really awful," Professor Sinistra commented. Snape kicked her in the shins from under the table. Just then, Gilderoy Lockhart sashayed into the hall, wearing vermilion robes and matching gold-trimmed hat.  
  
"Hel-LO, everyone! How are all my favorite prof-"  
  
He stopped suddenly at the sight of Snape, had a minor fashion-induced heart attack and died on the spot. Everyone in the hall cheered.  
  
"I take it back, your hair looks great," Sinistra said quickly, rubbing her shins. "Come on, let's go arrange Gilderoy's dead body into a funny position before rigor mortis sets in." 


	4. Goth Worship

Severus Snape and Several Thousand Freaky Goth Girls  
  
"We love you, Snape!" several thousand freaky goth girls screamed in unison. "You're so cool and mysterious!"  
  
"GET OFF MY LAWN!" Snape yelled out the window. 


	5. Bring Me the Head of Sarah Noble!

Severus Snape Takes Matters into His Own Hands and Writes a FanFiction  
  
The sound of a clattering keyboard drew Professor Lupin's attention, and he paused in the open doorway.  
  
"What are you doing, Severus?" he asked the figure hunched over a tangerine iMac at the desk by the window.  
  
"I'm writing the best fanfiction ever," Snape replied. "It's going to be MUCH better than the crap floating around on the web right now."  
  
"Er, that's very...interesting," Lupin said slowly, sitting down by the desk. "What is it about?"  
  
"It's about me, DUH," Snape retorted impatiently. "And it's going to be great. First, we start off with a flashback to when I was a student at Hogwarts and I generally get portrayed as a misunderstood loner."  
  
"I...think that's already been done," Lupin began hesitantly.  
  
"Shut up. Next, we introduce my rivalry with James Potter as being over Lily and NOT Quidditch. That is SO original...I bet everyone who reads it will be totally shocked."  
  
"Um, Severus..." Lupin tried again.  
  
"THEN, " Snape continued, "we cut to a few years ago and detail my struggles and internal moral debates about being a Death Eater. Really angsty. I may throw in some goth poetry."  
  
"Ummm..."  
  
Snape paused and examined the screen in front of him, then shook his head. "Nah, wouldn't work," he muttered to himself. "I was going to add in a little mini-slash story right here with me and Lucius Malfoy, but it would be too long. I guess I'll leave that part out."  
  
"Thank God for that," said Dumbledore, as he randomly passed by the doorway.  
  
Snape glared at the door and continued. "After that, we skip to the present and take an overview of how I'm a terrible person to everyone around me at school because I feel isolated and alone. Enter in the big climax with me returning to Voldemort after the fourth book, then betraying him (because I'm really a spy, you know) and saving Harry Potter's life, then tragically dying in the end, misunderstood by all. What do you think?"  
  
Lupin paused in contemplation. Then he pulled out a steel-barreled Colt .45 pistol and riddled Snape's iMac with bullets.  
  
"Now to kill Sarah Noble," he said cheerily. 


	6. The Hell With Every Last One of You!

SEVERUS SNAPE DOESN'T GIVE A GODDAMN ABOUT ANYTHING  
  
It was late one afternoon, when classes has just gotten out and Severus Snape was grading papers in his office, that he suddenly realized he didn't give a goddamn about anything.  
  
"Wow, this is great," he said, staring off into space in amazement. "Screw teaching.I think I'll go play some Skeeball."  
  
Several skee-ball-spent hours later, Snape returned to the castle with an armload of salt-water taffy, carnival prizes and three discmans he'd stolen from other people's cars.  
  
"Hey, if you're gonna do something, do it right," he muttered, pausing outside to scribble graffitti under MacGonagall's window. 


	7. A Call From Nathan

Severus Snape Gets a Phone Call from His Older and Ultimately More Successful Brother, Nathan  
  
Severus picked up the ringing phone at his elbow and spoke tersely into it, while continuing to write an angry letter to his congressman.  
  
"Yes, what is it?"  
  
"SEVI, buddy! It's your big bro Natty!"  
  
Severus groaned inwardly. "Hello Nathan. Did you need something?"  
  
"Nah, just called to check on my favorite little brother, "came the cheerful voice from the other end of the line. "How's that whole teaching thing going for you?"  
  
"Erm...still not the Dark Arts professor, if that's what you wanted to know," Snape said slowly.  
  
"Really? Bummer! Well, you can't win 'em all. I myself just got promoted again...CEO, you know...and they won't even give me a new company car! Can you beat that?"  
  
"Gosh, that's just horrible, "Snape muttered flatly.  
  
"Yeah, but it's not all hard going. I just bought a summer home in Cancun and my girlfriend...you know Melissa, she's got that aerobics show now? We're getting married in the fall. What about you...you got someone in your life yet, dude?"  
  
"No, can't say that I have," Snape muttered again. "Except maybe for Sarah Noble, but that ended badly about a week ago, when the potion wore off and she flung herself shrieking out of the window."  
  
"Well hey man, no rush, no rush. But you should see Melissa, she is just TOO gorgeous, I can't believe I lucked out like that!"  
  
"Yeah well," Snape interjected quickly, "I just bought these killer boots from Hot Topic yesterday! So there!"  
  
There was a slight pause on the other end.  
  
"Hey, that's great, bro," came the bubbly voice again. "Hey, you wanna talk to Melissa? She's right here!"  
  
"No, that's all right Nathan, I-"  
  
"Hiiiii, Severus!" came a perky voice over the line. "How ARE you? I haven't seen you in AGES! Not since we got that new in-ground pool!"  
  
"Yeah, listen Melissa, I have to go," Snape said hastily, "say goodbye to Nathan for me." He slammed the receiver down hard.  
  
The waning twilight moved away from the window, leaving the room in shadow.  
  
"I hate that guy, " Snape muttered. 


End file.
